1 00:01:00,233 --> 00:01:10,507 Sync and corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com 2 00:01:26,109 --> 00:01:28,986 A colleague of mine e-mailed that to me this morning. 3 00:01:29,112 --> 00:01:32,616 Apparently it was posted on PrisonPoon.com, 4 00:01:32,699 --> 00:01:34,785 labeled as "Litchfield Poonanny." 5 00:01:34,992 --> 00:01:39,247 Does your colleague often browse PrisonPoon.com? 6 00:01:39,330 --> 00:01:41,625 I would like to solve this problem 7 00:01:41,750 --> 00:01:43,794 before the warden finds out about it, Joe. 8 00:01:43,919 --> 00:01:45,679 Neither of us wants to see what happens if he, 9 00:01:45,712 --> 00:01:48,047 or, God forbid, the press, get a hold of this. 10 00:01:48,172 --> 00:01:54,053 Forgive me for questioning the no doubt pristine reputation of Prison Poon, 11 00:01:54,137 --> 00:01:57,307 but how do we know for sure it came out of here? 12 00:01:57,474 --> 00:01:59,058 Notice the tile? 13 00:01:59,601 --> 00:02:02,520 Either one of your inmates has a cell phone... There's no way. 14 00:02:02,646 --> 00:02:05,273 My guys tore the bunks apart looking for the screwdriver. 15 00:02:05,356 --> 00:02:08,652 Then it's a CO. And he's taking beaver shots of inmates. 16 00:02:08,777 --> 00:02:10,111 So much better. 17 00:02:10,194 --> 00:02:13,156 The warden'll love that almost as much as he loves a dick in the ass. 18 00:02:14,324 --> 00:02:16,785 Well, what the warden does with his free time... 19 00:02:20,705 --> 00:02:23,667 I will get to the bottom of this, ma'am. 20 00:02:23,750 --> 00:02:24,751 I hope so. 21 00:02:24,835 --> 00:02:28,463 It is so depressing dealing with a man who makes less than 40 K. 22 00:02:28,546 --> 00:02:31,842 I was really hoping to get you above that this year. 23 00:02:38,055 --> 00:02:39,265 Christ. 24 00:02:40,642 --> 00:02:43,269 Freckle guy in Admin is really into Photoshop. 25 00:02:44,187 --> 00:02:45,355 Useful. 26 00:02:46,523 --> 00:02:47,858 Are you back on carbs? 27 00:02:47,983 --> 00:02:52,236 My gut's all fucked up from my cheat day, so I'm sticking to soft foods. 28 00:02:52,779 --> 00:02:54,906 Got some Go-Gurt in the fridge for lunch. 29 00:02:55,365 --> 00:02:57,534 Watermelon Meltdown flavor, so... 30 00:02:59,995 --> 00:03:01,579 Fig's on the warpath. 31 00:03:01,705 --> 00:03:04,039 Might want to hide out in your office today. 32 00:03:08,211 --> 00:03:09,880 Between the Baptists and the addicts, 33 00:03:10,005 --> 00:03:13,675 I can't find a peaceful place to meditate on love and acceptance, 34 00:03:13,758 --> 00:03:16,219 which my Buddhist faith requires. 35 00:03:16,344 --> 00:03:17,387 Mr. Healy, 36 00:03:17,512 --> 00:03:20,264 we're having a real hard time praising the Lord 37 00:03:20,390 --> 00:03:22,559 in front of all these heathens and sinners. 38 00:03:22,684 --> 00:03:24,895 We need our chapel. It's our God-given right. 39 00:03:25,102 --> 00:03:28,523 Hey, Mr. Healy, would you take a look at this? 40 00:03:28,690 --> 00:03:30,483 I think it might be the flu. 41 00:03:44,247 --> 00:03:48,752 Mr. Healy, them cracker meth-head bitches won't let us change the channel. 42 00:03:48,835 --> 00:03:53,130 And it's our turn! I can't watch no more Toddlers and Tiaras. 43 00:03:53,757 --> 00:03:56,927 Don't you triviatize. This shit is serious. 44 00:03:57,052 --> 00:03:59,262 I won't support the sexuation of baby girls. 45 00:03:59,345 --> 00:04:01,097 That's some nasty shit, 46 00:04:01,180 --> 00:04:03,892 even if some of they sequin dresses do be on point. 47 00:04:06,352 --> 00:04:08,605 You into some dirty shit, Mr. Healy? 48 00:04:10,106 --> 00:04:13,276 Fine! You have control of the TV schedule from now on. 49 00:04:13,526 --> 00:04:14,819 I'll get you a remote. 50 00:04:15,152 --> 00:04:16,780 Now, don't bother me for 24 hours. 51 00:04:16,863 --> 00:04:18,782 No, no, no. Make it 48 hours. 52 00:04:19,282 --> 00:04:20,617 Yes, sir! 53 00:04:23,536 --> 00:04:25,896 ...could do it. She's been taking tap since she was 3. 54 00:04:25,956 --> 00:04:29,626 Planet Earth 24/7, bitches! 55 00:04:31,753 --> 00:04:32,754 Uh! 56 00:04:36,173 --> 00:04:37,174 In this climate... 57 00:04:37,550 --> 00:04:39,719 Huh, is that how you wear your hair these days? 58 00:04:39,803 --> 00:04:41,805 Oh, really, Mom? Every time? 59 00:04:41,888 --> 00:04:43,098 Don't be mopey. 60 00:04:43,180 --> 00:04:45,642 Polly had the most darling French braid yesterday. 61 00:04:45,725 --> 00:04:46,768 You saw Polly? 62 00:04:46,851 --> 00:04:49,353 Yes. I dropped by with a baby present. 63 00:04:49,479 --> 00:04:51,648 She told me about your little chicken incident. 64 00:04:51,773 --> 00:04:52,813 Is that what she called it? 65 00:04:52,857 --> 00:04:56,111 It's none of my business, but I think you owe her an apology. 66 00:04:56,193 --> 00:04:58,321 I have been trying to apologize! 67 00:04:58,446 --> 00:04:59,656 Keep it down, Chapman! 68 00:05:01,491 --> 00:05:02,492 Oh, my. 69 00:05:04,368 --> 00:05:07,914 I have been calling her. A lot. But she won't answer the phone. 70 00:05:11,709 --> 00:05:14,337 I need you to be very honest with me. 71 00:05:16,006 --> 00:05:17,214 Are you losing it in here? 72 00:05:17,340 --> 00:05:21,761 Because we're very worried about you. There are medications. 73 00:05:21,970 --> 00:05:23,554 I am not going crazy. 74 00:05:23,680 --> 00:05:25,515 I am surrounded by crazy, 75 00:05:25,598 --> 00:05:29,435 and I am trying to climb Everest in flip-flops, 76 00:05:29,519 --> 00:05:31,855 but I am not going crazy, okay? 77 00:05:32,396 --> 00:05:35,274 Honey, nobody would blame you. Look at this place. 78 00:05:35,733 --> 00:05:37,192 You're incarcerated. 79 00:05:38,903 --> 00:05:43,033 God only knows the emotional toll it must take to be in here with that woman. 80 00:05:43,908 --> 00:05:45,743 She is the least of my problems. 81 00:05:45,869 --> 00:05:48,245 She's your entire problem, Piper. 82 00:05:48,705 --> 00:05:51,624 You'd be home trying on wedding dresses, growing your business, 83 00:05:51,708 --> 00:05:55,503 giving me grandchildren, if it weren't for her. 84 00:05:56,046 --> 00:05:58,131 She stole all that from you. 85 00:05:58,213 --> 00:05:59,298 Mom. 86 00:05:59,382 --> 00:06:00,550 Yes. 87 00:06:00,675 --> 00:06:02,385 I need you to hear what I'm gonna say. 88 00:06:02,510 --> 00:06:04,219 I need you to really hear it. 89 00:06:07,222 --> 00:06:08,975 I am in here 90 00:06:09,893 --> 00:06:13,855 because I am no different from anybody else in here. 91 00:06:16,440 --> 00:06:18,193 I made bad choices. 92 00:06:19,110 --> 00:06:21,236 I committed a crime. 93 00:06:21,362 --> 00:06:24,407 And being in here is no one's fault 94 00:06:25,950 --> 00:06:27,118 but my own. 95 00:06:28,161 --> 00:06:30,413 Honey, if that lawyer had done... 96 00:06:30,496 --> 00:06:31,706 Howard. 97 00:06:34,249 --> 00:06:36,586 Larry's father's name is Howard. 98 00:06:38,213 --> 00:06:41,966 You never would have ended up in here if you'd gone to trial. 99 00:06:45,260 --> 00:06:48,305 Sweetheart, you're nothing like any of these women. 100 00:06:49,264 --> 00:06:52,602 Any jury worth its salt would have seen that. 101 00:06:54,145 --> 00:06:57,440 Darling, you were a debutante. 102 00:07:34,102 --> 00:07:35,979 Visiting hours will be over at noon. 103 00:07:36,104 --> 00:07:40,191 You may return at 2:00 p.m. for the afternoon and evening hour. 104 00:07:43,027 --> 00:07:44,779 You look like her. 105 00:07:45,238 --> 00:07:46,322 That's what I'm told. 106 00:07:46,447 --> 00:07:47,657 You don't think so? 107 00:07:48,365 --> 00:07:51,161 I prefer to be in denial about the shared genetics. 108 00:07:51,744 --> 00:07:54,289 You are in denial about a lot of things, blondie. 109 00:07:54,413 --> 00:07:57,041 I'm a WASP. That's what we do. 110 00:07:59,376 --> 00:08:01,671 I'm working on it. Are you waiting for somebody? 111 00:08:01,754 --> 00:08:05,091 Nah. Wouldn't want to ruin my four-month dry spell. 112 00:08:05,175 --> 00:08:07,927 Yeah, well, after that visit, 113 00:08:08,011 --> 00:08:09,512 that's starting to sound appealing. 114 00:08:09,804 --> 00:08:13,349 Look, don't say ungrateful crap like that around here. 115 00:08:13,474 --> 00:08:16,435 Your mother shows up, buys you pretzels. Poor you. 116 00:08:16,519 --> 00:08:18,146 We all have our shit, Nicky. 117 00:08:18,229 --> 00:08:22,025 Yeah, some shit stinks worse than other shit, princess. 118 00:08:22,108 --> 00:08:24,027 You don't know how my shit smells. 119 00:08:24,152 --> 00:08:25,320 Sure I do. 120 00:08:27,822 --> 00:08:30,033 Your shit smells like Shalimar. 121 00:08:30,158 --> 00:08:32,285 Must have rubbed off when she hugged you goodbye. 122 00:08:32,368 --> 00:08:34,204 What a bitch. 123 00:08:50,887 --> 00:08:54,224 Nicole! It's time to wake up. 124 00:08:56,559 --> 00:08:57,643 Mom? 125 00:09:01,772 --> 00:09:03,983 Bacterial infection in your heart. 126 00:09:04,067 --> 00:09:06,319 Usually introduced from a dirty needle. 127 00:09:06,402 --> 00:09:08,738 They also found traces of cocaine in your blood, 128 00:09:08,863 --> 00:09:11,199 which is a fun new choice for you. 129 00:09:11,574 --> 00:09:13,159 I had pneumonia. 130 00:09:13,243 --> 00:09:14,869 It must've spread or something. 131 00:09:17,747 --> 00:09:19,249 Seriously, I'm clean. 132 00:09:19,332 --> 00:09:21,959 Ironically enough, you are now. 133 00:09:22,085 --> 00:09:24,420 You had several blood transfusions during the surgery. 134 00:09:32,095 --> 00:09:34,972 Must have been a pretty bad case of pneumonia. 135 00:09:39,310 --> 00:09:41,145 What, you gotta call Paolo? 136 00:09:41,271 --> 00:09:43,311 Make sure he's surviving without your tit to suck on? 137 00:09:43,398 --> 00:09:45,233 You are 26 years old. 138 00:09:45,316 --> 00:09:48,278 Isn't it time you gave up this angry, I-hate-Mom phase? 139 00:09:48,444 --> 00:09:50,071 Holy shit! 140 00:09:50,613 --> 00:09:52,323 Oh, you're my mom! 141 00:09:52,448 --> 00:09:55,089 See, I could have sworn it was that brown woman who made me pancakes 142 00:09:55,159 --> 00:09:56,599 and read me Charlotte's Web at night. 143 00:09:56,660 --> 00:09:58,788 I did what was good for you. 144 00:09:58,871 --> 00:10:01,498 Living with a nanny while you lived in a separate apartment with that prick 145 00:10:01,624 --> 00:10:04,501 who thought children carried germs? That's for my own good? 146 00:10:04,627 --> 00:10:07,922 I think if you take a second and look at our current situation, 147 00:10:08,005 --> 00:10:09,173 you might reconsider. 148 00:10:09,299 --> 00:10:12,093 Do you know what? Keep blaming everyone but yourself, Nicole. 149 00:10:12,176 --> 00:10:14,637 Seems to be working out really well for you so far. 150 00:10:14,762 --> 00:10:17,307 I always miss you until you're here. 151 00:10:18,808 --> 00:10:23,062 Then I realize the mom I miss must've been someone I invented when I was a kid. 152 00:10:24,063 --> 00:10:25,982 I don't know what more you want from me. 153 00:10:26,857 --> 00:10:29,735 I want you to do things mothers do. 154 00:10:30,486 --> 00:10:35,325 I don't know, hold me, give me sips of water. 155 00:10:37,493 --> 00:10:38,494 Anything. 156 00:10:40,204 --> 00:10:42,332 They told me you were gonna die. 157 00:10:44,083 --> 00:10:45,626 I'm done, okay? 158 00:10:46,877 --> 00:10:48,171 I'll stay clean. 159 00:10:59,015 --> 00:11:00,391 Hey, Ma. Mmm-hmm? 160 00:11:00,683 --> 00:11:01,684 What that... 161 00:11:01,767 --> 00:11:03,311 Fucking slut. 162 00:11:03,394 --> 00:11:04,687 Aleida, it's not worth it. 163 00:11:04,979 --> 00:11:06,063 Aleida! Aleida! 164 00:11:06,189 --> 00:11:07,357 Fucking bitch! 165 00:11:09,733 --> 00:11:11,235 Yo, respect your mother. 166 00:11:11,361 --> 00:11:13,321 Why? She never acted like no mom. 167 00:11:13,404 --> 00:11:15,823 You okay? Shit. 168 00:11:22,746 --> 00:11:25,875 Baby watch, day 232. 169 00:11:26,000 --> 00:11:29,712 Painting the nursery. Mimosa yellow, non-toxic, obvs. 170 00:11:29,879 --> 00:11:32,173 Leave a message, but it might take me a while to get back to you, 171 00:11:32,256 --> 00:11:35,592 because, you know, I'm preparing to bring forth new life. 172 00:11:41,432 --> 00:11:42,725 I got nothin'. 173 00:11:43,726 --> 00:11:47,562 And you have no knowledge of anyone taking his or her cell phone 174 00:11:47,688 --> 00:11:52,402 out of his or her locker during his or her shift? 175 00:11:52,735 --> 00:11:56,072 If I were you, I'd ask Mendez. He looks guilty. 176 00:11:56,155 --> 00:11:57,823 It's probably the mustache. 177 00:11:57,907 --> 00:12:00,076 You ever notice how guys with mustaches 178 00:12:00,201 --> 00:12:02,995 always look like they just fingered a little girl? 179 00:12:04,914 --> 00:12:06,623 How about a camera? 180 00:12:07,250 --> 00:12:10,253 You see anyone with a camera? 181 00:12:16,259 --> 00:12:17,552 Nope. 182 00:12:18,469 --> 00:12:21,764 You have not observed 183 00:12:22,890 --> 00:12:25,600 or participated in any 184 00:12:26,352 --> 00:12:30,106 inappropriate activity 185 00:12:31,315 --> 00:12:34,860 or relation with an inmate? 186 00:12:36,279 --> 00:12:38,448 No, sir. It's... 187 00:12:42,868 --> 00:12:45,829 Because, in here, inappropriate 188 00:12:46,956 --> 00:12:48,541 can mean a smile 189 00:12:49,125 --> 00:12:51,294 at the wrong time, Bennett. 190 00:12:52,128 --> 00:12:57,508 These women are hungry, if you get my meaning. 191 00:12:58,801 --> 00:13:00,261 Yes, sir. 192 00:13:00,470 --> 00:13:03,139 They want sex, is what I mean. 193 00:13:04,056 --> 00:13:05,266 Understood, sir. 194 00:13:06,267 --> 00:13:09,019 Good. We're done here. We're done. 195 00:13:16,152 --> 00:13:17,403 Mr. Caputo? 196 00:13:18,404 --> 00:13:21,532 Come in. Susan, have a seat. 197 00:13:22,657 --> 00:13:26,621 Congratulations on becoming a Litchfield correctional officer. 198 00:13:26,703 --> 00:13:29,332 We really appreciate you coming in so soon. 199 00:13:29,957 --> 00:13:32,126 CO Thompson came... 200 00:13:32,918 --> 00:13:34,711 This is confidential, of course. 201 00:13:34,837 --> 00:13:36,339 Well, he came a little undone 202 00:13:36,464 --> 00:13:42,428 and is currently on temporary/permanent leave. 203 00:13:43,012 --> 00:13:47,016 The inmate will have to wear an eye patch for a few weeks. 204 00:13:47,517 --> 00:13:49,977 Well, I'll be sure to keep my hands to myself, sir. 205 00:13:50,060 --> 00:13:52,980 Except during strip searches, I hope. Right? 206 00:13:56,526 --> 00:14:02,532 Anyway, I just wanted to personally make sure you're settling in okay 207 00:14:02,615 --> 00:14:09,246 and bring you up to speed on our current crisis. 208 00:14:21,050 --> 00:14:22,218 Why'd you change the station? 209 00:14:22,385 --> 00:14:24,887 That reggaeton shit gives me a headache. 210 00:14:24,970 --> 00:14:27,056 It's the same thing over and over. 211 00:14:27,139 --> 00:14:29,141 How come none of these stations play The Smiths? 212 00:14:29,225 --> 00:14:30,726 'Cause it's pussy music. 213 00:14:30,851 --> 00:14:34,438 How Soon Is Now? is, like, an '80s anthem. 214 00:14:34,564 --> 00:14:36,065 Bitch, you were born in '92. 215 00:14:36,148 --> 00:14:38,275 So? So you don't know shit. 216 00:14:39,109 --> 00:14:42,321 The shark makes its move, moving directly to the seal. 217 00:14:44,532 --> 00:14:45,824 Oh, fuck this! 218 00:14:45,908 --> 00:14:50,329 That's it. Ina Garten is making brown butter cake today. 219 00:14:50,454 --> 00:14:52,122 Don't fuck with my cooking shows. T! 220 00:14:52,248 --> 00:14:53,832 It don't matter what you wanna watch. 221 00:14:53,916 --> 00:14:58,087 I'm president of the TV, and you can't do nothing about it, Pussy. 222 00:14:58,254 --> 00:15:01,882 My name is Poussey. Accent a droite, bitch. 223 00:15:02,592 --> 00:15:03,634 Accent a what? 224 00:15:03,759 --> 00:15:04,843 It's French. 225 00:15:04,927 --> 00:15:07,179 Poussey is a place in France where my daddy served, 226 00:15:07,263 --> 00:15:08,764 and kings was born and shit. 227 00:15:08,889 --> 00:15:10,049 What the fuck you named after? 228 00:15:10,057 --> 00:15:11,517 Some bullshit cakes with cream in the middle? 229 00:15:11,601 --> 00:15:13,102 You callin' me a Ho Ho? 230 00:15:13,185 --> 00:15:16,230 It's Hostess, you dumbass. Man, you a fuckin' Swiss roll. 231 00:15:19,525 --> 00:15:20,901 Norma, will you go? 232 00:15:20,984 --> 00:15:22,361 What, are you blind now, too? 233 00:15:22,445 --> 00:15:25,114 If you put the "S" on the end of "knife," 234 00:15:25,197 --> 00:15:26,782 you can make "slut" going down. 235 00:15:26,907 --> 00:15:27,950 Fifteen points ain't bad. 236 00:15:28,033 --> 00:15:29,034 No cheating! 237 00:15:29,118 --> 00:15:30,578 Oh, I'm just helping her. 238 00:15:31,120 --> 00:15:34,290 The plural of "knife" is "knives," genius. 239 00:15:35,124 --> 00:15:36,626 No such fucking word as "knifes." 240 00:15:36,709 --> 00:15:38,127 Oh, no? 241 00:15:38,210 --> 00:15:41,213 Well, then what does Tony do to Bernardo in West Side Story? 242 00:15:41,297 --> 00:15:44,049 I'll tell you what. He knifes him. 243 00:15:44,133 --> 00:15:47,553 Well, aren't you the plot spoiler? 244 00:15:47,637 --> 00:15:49,054 So, here's a good idea. 245 00:15:49,138 --> 00:15:51,014 Why don't you mind your own fucking business 246 00:15:51,140 --> 00:15:54,477 and go back to planning your cute little hetero wedding? 247 00:15:54,851 --> 00:15:57,896 Hey! Are you gonna get your dress off of eBay? 248 00:15:57,980 --> 00:16:01,233 I sure hope nobody scams you. That'd be fucking ironic. 249 00:16:02,901 --> 00:16:05,571 Don't you dare! 250 00:16:05,655 --> 00:16:07,175 You are way too fucking short for that! 251 00:16:07,239 --> 00:16:09,700 Sit down, Boo! I am serious! 252 00:16:10,493 --> 00:16:11,827 Hey. 253 00:16:11,910 --> 00:16:12,995 Hey! 254 00:16:14,664 --> 00:16:19,669 You ladies need to start acting like ladies. 255 00:16:21,211 --> 00:16:22,451 Now, what's the problem in here? 256 00:16:26,676 --> 00:16:28,010 Ladies! 257 00:16:28,803 --> 00:16:30,179 Ladies! 258 00:16:32,473 --> 00:16:35,017 I'm gonna bring back the Women's Advisory Council. 259 00:16:35,100 --> 00:16:37,478 The first election will be held this Saturday. 260 00:16:37,561 --> 00:16:40,356 In the meantime, don't bother me 261 00:16:40,606 --> 00:16:42,024 and simmer down, 262 00:16:43,066 --> 00:16:44,193 okay? 263 00:16:44,276 --> 00:16:46,153 All kitchen inmate duties... 264 00:16:46,403 --> 00:16:47,530 Thank you. 265 00:16:50,032 --> 00:16:53,243 Oh, it's on. Who's gonna be duchess of WAC? 266 00:16:53,369 --> 00:16:54,704 Taystee! 267 00:16:54,787 --> 00:16:57,039 ♪ Taystee ♪ 268 00:17:02,961 --> 00:17:07,383 So, I'm thinking campaign buttons instead of posters, 269 00:17:07,466 --> 00:17:10,386 'cause everyone will be doing posters. 270 00:17:10,469 --> 00:17:14,223 We can stick 'em on with tape. What do you think about yellow and pink? 271 00:17:14,348 --> 00:17:15,349 They're my wedding colors. 272 00:17:15,432 --> 00:17:17,643 It's just a real pretty combination. 273 00:17:17,727 --> 00:17:21,063 But I don't wanna tell Christopher, 'cause I don't want him to get jealous. 274 00:17:21,146 --> 00:17:23,566 'Course not. You wouldn't want him to think you liked pink in prison, 275 00:17:23,649 --> 00:17:24,650 right, Morello? 276 00:17:25,984 --> 00:17:28,064 Still can't believe you're running for this lame shit. 277 00:17:28,070 --> 00:17:29,488 Red told me to. I'm her pick. 278 00:17:29,572 --> 00:17:31,156 You want me to say no to her? 279 00:17:31,615 --> 00:17:33,075 She picked you? 280 00:17:33,158 --> 00:17:35,118 Yeah. You got a problem with that? 281 00:17:35,244 --> 00:17:37,684 I just think it would have been smarter for her to pick a dyke. 282 00:17:37,705 --> 00:17:39,122 A real dyke. 283 00:17:39,248 --> 00:17:42,543 Yeah, Nicky. Last time I checked, Lorna was pretty gay. 284 00:17:42,626 --> 00:17:44,587 Gay for you, as a matter of fact. 285 00:17:44,670 --> 00:17:47,256 Oh, you didn't hear? We're done. 286 00:17:47,381 --> 00:17:49,925 Well, she's gotta start working on tightening her pussy muscles, 287 00:17:50,050 --> 00:17:53,136 'cause her fiance's dick is so small, it's like a hot dog in a hallway, so... 288 00:17:53,262 --> 00:17:54,263 Wow. 289 00:17:54,346 --> 00:17:56,891 All right, ladies! Taystee! Taystee! What's happening? 290 00:17:56,973 --> 00:17:59,393 So, who are you running against besides Taystee? 291 00:17:59,476 --> 00:18:02,521 She don't count. Black ladies just run against the other black ladies. 292 00:18:02,605 --> 00:18:04,398 My competition is Pennsatucky. 293 00:18:04,481 --> 00:18:07,735 But it don't matter, because Red's gonna make all the white girls vote for me. 294 00:18:07,818 --> 00:18:10,404 So, you only run against white people. Hmm. 295 00:18:10,487 --> 00:18:12,615 You can only vote within your race or your group. 296 00:18:12,740 --> 00:18:13,908 Look, just pretend it's the 1950s. 297 00:18:13,990 --> 00:18:15,117 It makes it easier to understand. 298 00:18:15,242 --> 00:18:18,746 See, everyone elects a representative from their own tribe. 299 00:18:18,829 --> 00:18:24,460 White, black, Hispanic, golden girls, others. 300 00:18:24,585 --> 00:18:27,129 And those five gals, they meet with Healy, 301 00:18:27,212 --> 00:18:28,589 they tell him what we want, 302 00:18:28,672 --> 00:18:31,967 then he speaks to the higher-ups. It's like student council. 303 00:18:32,092 --> 00:18:34,303 But how is that an effective system? 304 00:18:34,428 --> 00:18:36,597 Not every Hispanic person wants the same thing. 305 00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:39,391 Oh, sure they do. They all want to come to America. 306 00:18:39,475 --> 00:18:42,144 Jesus, your entire world view is based on West Side Story, isn't it? 307 00:18:42,227 --> 00:18:45,105 Can we get back to Lorna being racist? Just more of that, please. 308 00:18:45,522 --> 00:18:47,775 But... Okay, fine. 309 00:18:47,858 --> 00:18:50,611 See, I know because my neighborhood is near them. 310 00:18:50,694 --> 00:18:53,280 They live, like, 20 people to one apartment. 311 00:18:53,363 --> 00:18:54,657 They have more kids than even the Irish. 312 00:18:54,782 --> 00:18:56,909 The men like their women with big titties, big asses. 313 00:18:56,992 --> 00:18:59,112 They're dirty, they're greasy, their food smells nasty 314 00:18:59,161 --> 00:19:00,955 and they're taking all our jobs. 315 00:19:01,037 --> 00:19:04,416 If y'all want a man representing you, be my fucking guest. 316 00:19:04,500 --> 00:19:07,377 That bitch got a plastic pussy or some shit. 317 00:19:07,503 --> 00:19:09,212 You wanna see it? 318 00:19:09,338 --> 00:19:11,799 Please! You flash that shit like it's made out of diamonds. 319 00:19:11,882 --> 00:19:14,322 I done seen it about 10 times already today. 320 00:19:14,343 --> 00:19:17,513 Listen, honey, I know all you care about is what you get to watch on the TV, 321 00:19:17,638 --> 00:19:18,931 but me and my diamond kitty here 322 00:19:19,014 --> 00:19:21,976 wanna prioritize things around this place, 323 00:19:22,058 --> 00:19:24,311 like health care, basic human rights... 324 00:19:24,394 --> 00:19:26,939 You ain't never gonna change that shit. 325 00:19:27,022 --> 00:19:29,441 You think this white people politics? 326 00:19:30,108 --> 00:19:32,862 Let's talk about health care, Mackenzie. 327 00:19:32,945 --> 00:19:35,698 Oh, Amanda, I'd rather not. It's not polite. 328 00:19:35,781 --> 00:19:37,741 Well, did you see that wonderful new documentary 329 00:19:37,867 --> 00:19:39,451 about the best sushi in the world? 330 00:19:39,535 --> 00:19:43,330 Of course, now that I'm vegan, I didn't enjoy it as much as I might have before. 331 00:19:43,413 --> 00:19:45,374 You know, I just don't have the time. 332 00:19:45,499 --> 00:19:49,378 Chad and I have our yoga workshop, then wine tasting class. 333 00:19:49,461 --> 00:19:54,216 And then we have to have really quiet sex every night at 9:00. 334 00:19:54,299 --> 00:19:57,553 But did you hear that piece on NPR about hedge funds? 335 00:19:57,636 --> 00:20:01,557 Amanda, let me ask you, what do you think about my bangs these days? 336 00:20:01,640 --> 00:20:02,766 I mean, do you like 'em straight down, 337 00:20:02,892 --> 00:20:04,894 or should I be doing more of a sweep to the side? 338 00:20:04,977 --> 00:20:06,395 Sweep to the side. 339 00:20:08,355 --> 00:20:09,481 Yo, you gotta... 340 00:20:09,565 --> 00:20:12,735 If you want more pizza, vote for Maritza. 341 00:20:12,860 --> 00:20:14,319 That shit is horrible. 342 00:20:14,820 --> 00:20:17,865 I like pizza. Everyone likes pizza. 343 00:20:17,948 --> 00:20:19,115 What? It's American and shit. 344 00:20:19,241 --> 00:20:20,993 It's Italian, you fucking idiot. 345 00:20:21,076 --> 00:20:22,411 What, you got something better? 346 00:20:22,494 --> 00:20:24,413 Yeah. I'm gonna run. 347 00:20:24,538 --> 00:20:27,583 Oh, shit. It's on. Wow, fancy! 348 00:20:27,708 --> 00:20:31,003 What, "Vote for Flaca, puta's full of caca"? 349 00:20:31,086 --> 00:20:33,589 All right! Okay! 350 00:20:35,465 --> 00:20:37,593 Shit. It don't matter who wins, all right? 351 00:20:37,676 --> 00:20:39,386 Just as long as you handle our shit. 352 00:20:40,095 --> 00:20:42,723 Please. I can out-shout any of these bitches. 353 00:20:42,806 --> 00:20:44,099 Are you sure? 354 00:20:44,182 --> 00:20:45,559 Oh! 355 00:20:45,935 --> 00:20:48,186 All of you who think we don't have any sisters, we're black people... 356 00:20:48,270 --> 00:20:50,105 Did you know they can't float? 357 00:20:50,188 --> 00:20:51,398 What the hell are you talking about? 358 00:20:51,481 --> 00:20:52,482 It's true! 359 00:20:52,608 --> 00:20:54,276 Like in the swimming pool and shit. 360 00:20:54,401 --> 00:20:56,445 Their bone density ain't right for it. 361 00:20:58,030 --> 00:20:59,823 Yo, my uncle told me. 362 00:21:00,866 --> 00:21:03,035 Yo, that shit is crazy, Flaca-ca. 363 00:21:03,577 --> 00:21:05,037 They're smelly, stupid and lazy, 364 00:21:05,120 --> 00:21:06,789 but they ain't got different bones. 365 00:21:06,914 --> 00:21:10,500 Except in their pants. Yo, let me tell you, them black boys, 366 00:21:10,626 --> 00:21:14,254 they got some serious trouser meat. Like, whoa! 367 00:21:22,262 --> 00:21:23,722 That's enough! 368 00:21:23,806 --> 00:21:27,476 Quiet down! Hey! Quiet down! 369 00:21:27,559 --> 00:21:30,813 You are in violation of the Litchfield... 370 00:21:30,938 --> 00:21:32,106 Shut up! 371 00:21:45,494 --> 00:21:47,579 Well, don't be an observer. Grab a rag. 372 00:21:54,003 --> 00:21:55,378 What's up, Nicky? 373 00:21:55,504 --> 00:21:57,297 This rag smells like mildew. 374 00:21:58,173 --> 00:22:01,051 It means your counter is gonna smell like mildew. 375 00:22:01,176 --> 00:22:02,511 That's gross. 376 00:22:02,636 --> 00:22:04,138 You need to wash your rags, Red. 377 00:22:05,681 --> 00:22:07,057 Nicky... 378 00:22:11,186 --> 00:22:13,522 Why'd you choose Lorna to run for WAC and not me? 379 00:22:13,605 --> 00:22:15,816 You're questioning my decisions? 380 00:22:15,899 --> 00:22:19,486 Only in the most respectful way you could possibly imagine. I just... 381 00:22:20,821 --> 00:22:22,364 I thought I was like your Spock. 382 00:22:22,489 --> 00:22:23,949 My what? 383 00:22:24,033 --> 00:22:28,328 You know, your right hand. Your girl Friday. Your V.P. 384 00:22:28,954 --> 00:22:31,707 Lorna is pretty and unthreatening. 385 00:22:31,832 --> 00:22:34,918 I like her lipstick and she listens. 386 00:22:35,044 --> 00:22:37,546 The last thing you need is a public forum. 387 00:22:37,629 --> 00:22:39,548 You're already too mouthy for your own good. 388 00:22:39,673 --> 00:22:40,799 Yeah, but... 389 00:22:40,883 --> 00:22:43,593 Don't confuse being my daughter with getting a vote. 390 00:22:43,719 --> 00:22:45,679 This isn't a democracy, sweetheart. 391 00:22:55,229 --> 00:22:57,440 You need something? 392 00:23:14,499 --> 00:23:15,709 Oh, gosh! 393 00:23:15,792 --> 00:23:19,922 This prize sure beats the heck out of a decoder ring. 394 00:23:20,005 --> 00:23:21,548 What can I say? 395 00:23:22,465 --> 00:23:26,095 The girls are very concerned about their oral hygiene. 396 00:23:32,601 --> 00:23:34,519 You bringing in cell phones, too? 397 00:23:34,603 --> 00:23:36,521 Absolutely not. 398 00:23:36,605 --> 00:23:41,193 So you're not taking dirty pictures of your hairy pussy to send to your husband? 399 00:23:42,236 --> 00:23:44,404 Do the curtains match the drapes? 400 00:23:45,114 --> 00:23:48,117 You got some purple wispies down there? 401 00:23:49,451 --> 00:23:52,704 What are you talking about? 402 00:23:56,666 --> 00:23:58,794 Someone smuggled in a phone. 403 00:23:59,461 --> 00:24:02,714 And now it's getting in the way of my business. 404 00:24:04,674 --> 00:24:06,969 I don't like competition, sweet cheeks. 405 00:24:15,269 --> 00:24:17,771 Cell block D, prepare for inspection. 406 00:24:36,748 --> 00:24:38,667 Visiting hours are now over... 407 00:24:43,672 --> 00:24:48,635 Caputo grilled me about inappropriate relationships for five hours today. 408 00:24:48,718 --> 00:24:52,055 It wasn't really five hours, but it felt that way. 409 00:24:52,181 --> 00:24:54,850 You know, this is inappropriate. 410 00:24:54,975 --> 00:24:56,350 What you and me are doing. 411 00:24:56,476 --> 00:24:58,020 It's gonna be fine, baby. 412 00:24:58,145 --> 00:25:00,063 I think we have different definitions of fine. 413 00:25:00,189 --> 00:25:04,358 I'm about to lose my job, and your mom was naked. 414 00:25:04,442 --> 00:25:06,736 Like, really, really naked. All of it. 415 00:25:06,862 --> 00:25:10,406 I saw her boobs. 416 00:25:10,532 --> 00:25:12,408 But you didn't do nothing, right? 417 00:25:13,035 --> 00:25:14,077 What? 418 00:25:15,912 --> 00:25:17,164 You didn't fuck her? 419 00:25:17,247 --> 00:25:18,790 Why would I... 420 00:25:18,874 --> 00:25:22,544 I don't want your mom, Daya. I want you. 421 00:25:45,692 --> 00:25:47,027 No... Let me. 422 00:25:47,110 --> 00:25:48,611 Please, don't. 423 00:25:49,612 --> 00:25:51,740 I wanna feel all of you. 424 00:26:27,441 --> 00:26:28,568 Oh, come on in, Chapman. 425 00:26:30,528 --> 00:26:31,654 Please close the door. 426 00:26:49,631 --> 00:26:51,758 What? Do you... 427 00:26:51,967 --> 00:26:53,093 Hold up the red one. 428 00:27:00,474 --> 00:27:02,352 Okay, now the blue. 429 00:27:02,978 --> 00:27:04,313 Mail call in 15 minutes. 430 00:27:05,355 --> 00:27:07,983 Cart will be making the rounds in 15 minutes. 431 00:27:09,483 --> 00:27:10,484 Mr. Healy... 432 00:27:10,568 --> 00:27:13,738 It's for my wife. It's our anniversary tomorrow. 433 00:27:13,822 --> 00:27:17,117 I think the blue is better. Thanks. 434 00:27:19,161 --> 00:27:20,578 Have a seat, Chapman. 435 00:27:25,834 --> 00:27:28,753 Chapman, we understand each other, don't we? 436 00:27:30,339 --> 00:27:31,714 I think so. 437 00:27:32,048 --> 00:27:33,133 I mean, I agree. 438 00:27:33,216 --> 00:27:35,093 I think the two of us working together, 439 00:27:35,844 --> 00:27:37,720 we could really turn some things around. 440 00:27:37,846 --> 00:27:40,265 Or at the very least, make things a little quieter. 441 00:27:46,562 --> 00:27:47,981 You want me to run for WAC. 442 00:27:48,857 --> 00:27:51,860 We don't get ladies as bright as yourself in here often. 443 00:27:51,943 --> 00:27:55,529 Thank you, Mr. Healy. I appreciate that. I really do. 444 00:27:55,613 --> 00:27:59,368 But I'm trying this new thing where I stay out of the spotlight. 445 00:27:59,493 --> 00:28:01,828 I feel... I think that it's a better bet for me. 446 00:28:01,911 --> 00:28:06,166 I'm giving you a chance to make your time count, Chapman. 447 00:28:06,582 --> 00:28:11,421 Thank you. But I need to politely decline. 448 00:28:11,545 --> 00:28:15,300 Well, I'm disappointed. 449 00:28:15,384 --> 00:28:18,261 It's certainly not like I can force you to run anyway, right? 450 00:28:21,181 --> 00:28:23,557 We're not Cosmo, Larry. 451 00:28:23,683 --> 00:28:25,977 We don't do pieces on having better orgasms. 452 00:28:26,061 --> 00:28:30,357 And, truthfully, "edging" sounds like a recipe for blue balls. It's just... 453 00:28:30,773 --> 00:28:32,067 It is gross. 454 00:28:32,150 --> 00:28:34,652 Look, what if I change the angle? Maybe... 455 00:28:34,736 --> 00:28:37,697 What's the deal with your wife? Is she really in prison? 456 00:28:39,408 --> 00:28:41,910 My fiancee. She is. It sucks. 457 00:28:42,035 --> 00:28:45,747 Look, um, I really think if I made some changes... 458 00:28:45,872 --> 00:28:47,912 Christ, Bloom. No one wants to learn how not to come. 459 00:28:47,957 --> 00:28:49,334 Coming is the whole goddamn point. 460 00:28:49,418 --> 00:28:50,585 Listen, I've got to get to this meeting. 461 00:28:50,668 --> 00:28:53,880 But this is a good story, okay? Come on, Tim. 462 00:28:55,090 --> 00:28:58,801 I need this. Just give me something, huh? An assignment. 463 00:28:59,635 --> 00:29:00,803 You want an assignment? Fine. 464 00:29:00,929 --> 00:29:02,805 Here's your assignment, "My wife is in prison." 465 00:29:02,931 --> 00:29:04,057 Fiancee. 466 00:29:04,140 --> 00:29:06,935 She takes naked showers with bad, busty women, 467 00:29:07,018 --> 00:29:09,521 and I'm home alone thinking about it, trying not to come. 468 00:29:09,604 --> 00:29:11,606 That's a story for us. Knock yourself out. 469 00:29:15,569 --> 00:29:18,654 It's too far! A little to the right. 470 00:29:19,114 --> 00:29:21,450 Ain't we learned our lesson about hanging crosses, Tucky? 471 00:29:21,575 --> 00:29:24,578 Ain't we learned our lesson about mouthing off? Get... 472 00:29:24,660 --> 00:29:25,954 Sorry. 473 00:29:27,789 --> 00:29:28,957 You keep this up, 474 00:29:29,082 --> 00:29:31,251 and God's gonna start questioning your devotion. 475 00:29:31,334 --> 00:29:32,544 He told me. 476 00:29:36,714 --> 00:29:39,884 "Died for your sins." Who's gonna win? 477 00:29:39,968 --> 00:29:41,470 Tiffany. 478 00:29:43,138 --> 00:29:45,056 Man, those little white midgets are sad, 479 00:29:45,140 --> 00:29:46,475 but them bitches know how to win! 480 00:29:46,558 --> 00:29:49,478 Look at you, all power hungry and shit. 481 00:29:49,561 --> 00:29:52,021 Where are your morals, Candidate Jefferson? 482 00:29:52,147 --> 00:29:53,398 Well, Mackenzie... 483 00:30:01,656 --> 00:30:03,241 This fucking election. 484 00:30:03,325 --> 00:30:05,285 Like this place needs to be any more like high school! 485 00:30:05,368 --> 00:30:07,954 My God, I'm drowning in vowels over here. 486 00:30:14,336 --> 00:30:15,545 This the campaign strategy? 487 00:30:15,670 --> 00:30:18,507 No, it's more like a life strategy. 488 00:30:18,632 --> 00:30:20,175 Everyone likes to get fed. 489 00:30:20,258 --> 00:30:23,261 Come on. Come on! Come on. That's gross. 490 00:30:25,054 --> 00:30:27,516 Come on! It's delicious! 491 00:30:28,975 --> 00:30:30,352 Speaking of high school... 492 00:30:30,435 --> 00:30:32,103 I feel like such an asshole. 493 00:30:32,187 --> 00:30:33,771 Why won't she even look at me? 494 00:30:33,855 --> 00:30:36,941 'Cause you were an asshole. Everyone has their limits. 495 00:30:37,192 --> 00:30:40,111 Okay, 32, 33... 496 00:30:40,195 --> 00:30:41,571 Whoa. Thirty-four points! 497 00:30:41,696 --> 00:30:43,365 Bam! 498 00:30:44,282 --> 00:30:47,452 Look, you know her better than I do, but in my experience, 499 00:30:47,536 --> 00:30:49,204 she can smell bullshit like a shark smells blood. 500 00:30:49,329 --> 00:30:51,373 Just cut out the needy puppy act and be straight with her. 501 00:30:51,498 --> 00:30:53,166 Say you're sorry for being a dick. 502 00:30:53,749 --> 00:30:57,837 What about, like, a snappy kind of slogan? Something with rhymes in it? 503 00:30:58,672 --> 00:31:02,008 What about, "Vote for Morello because she's not yellow, she's white"? 504 00:31:11,893 --> 00:31:13,728 Mmm! Oh, that's good. 505 00:31:15,063 --> 00:31:16,064 It's a party! 506 00:31:16,189 --> 00:31:19,025 I feel like I'm playing house. 507 00:31:19,234 --> 00:31:21,903 You wanna play doctor instead? 508 00:31:22,028 --> 00:31:23,446 This place is insane. 509 00:31:24,406 --> 00:31:26,115 Cheers. Cheers. 510 00:31:26,241 --> 00:31:28,243 Great to meet you, Holly. 511 00:31:30,078 --> 00:31:32,080 It's Polly, actually. 512 00:31:32,955 --> 00:31:35,750 Right. Polly Hobbie. 513 00:31:43,592 --> 00:31:47,136 Would you excuse me for a minute? I have to go play hostess. 514 00:31:50,557 --> 00:31:51,933 She's better in smaller groups. 515 00:31:52,016 --> 00:31:53,393 Think she'll remember my name then? 516 00:31:53,476 --> 00:31:55,811 Are you being pissy because I'm seeing a woman? 517 00:31:55,937 --> 00:31:58,231 I'm pissy because you're seeing an asshole. 518 00:31:58,314 --> 00:32:00,942 I think you're overreacting a little bit, Molly. 519 00:32:02,068 --> 00:32:03,445 There's a weird energy in here. 520 00:32:03,570 --> 00:32:06,114 Not to mention she's loaded and she's, what, like, 30? 521 00:32:06,239 --> 00:32:07,365 Trust fund? 522 00:32:07,449 --> 00:32:09,409 No, she imports things. 523 00:32:09,492 --> 00:32:13,455 I can't believe you're giving me shit for this. You dated your teacher. 524 00:32:13,538 --> 00:32:15,123 Adjunct professor. 525 00:32:15,624 --> 00:32:20,086 I really like her. 526 00:32:20,962 --> 00:32:22,672 Do you like her or her things? 527 00:32:22,756 --> 00:32:24,966 Oh, I get it. You're feeling threatened. 528 00:32:25,091 --> 00:32:27,677 Oh, Jesus. Fuck off. I'm just looking out for you. 529 00:32:27,802 --> 00:32:30,513 Well, don't. I'm happy. 530 00:32:30,639 --> 00:32:33,725 Well, then don't expect me to be there when you're not happy anymore. 531 00:32:33,808 --> 00:32:38,146 Okay, I won't expect that. But you will be. Because you love me. 532 00:32:38,229 --> 00:32:40,440 Of course I do, you stupid lesbian. 533 00:32:40,523 --> 00:32:41,941 You spoiled bitch. 534 00:32:43,859 --> 00:32:46,446 I came seven times last night. 535 00:32:46,529 --> 00:32:48,657 Well, that's just excessive. 536 00:32:53,662 --> 00:32:54,829 Beautiful. 537 00:32:55,246 --> 00:32:56,414 Thank you. 538 00:32:57,499 --> 00:32:58,833 You're doing well. 539 00:32:59,668 --> 00:33:01,043 I am. 540 00:33:08,843 --> 00:33:10,679 We'd like to increase your output. 541 00:33:10,762 --> 00:33:13,181 I'm always curious about who "we" is. 542 00:33:14,182 --> 00:33:17,352 Is that like when "they" say that faux fur vests are in this season? 543 00:33:17,435 --> 00:33:18,645 You know what I mean? 544 00:33:18,728 --> 00:33:20,522 No, I don't know what you mean. 545 00:33:24,400 --> 00:33:25,443 How much? 546 00:33:25,527 --> 00:33:27,903 One hundred thousand a month. 547 00:33:28,029 --> 00:33:30,198 Oh, Jesus. 548 00:33:30,323 --> 00:33:33,242 What can I say? We're back in vogue. 549 00:33:34,536 --> 00:33:36,412 Give the people what they want. 550 00:33:36,954 --> 00:33:40,625 Well, I'm gonna need a few more kids and more cash upfront for treats. 551 00:33:40,750 --> 00:33:43,712 Whatever you need, as always. 552 00:33:44,337 --> 00:33:46,548 Kubra will be happy to hear. 553 00:33:47,632 --> 00:33:50,343 We value your role in this organization. 554 00:33:50,719 --> 00:33:53,513 Great. Glad I'm not expendable. 555 00:33:59,227 --> 00:34:01,354 We'll give you a call in a few days to arrange the next drop. 556 00:34:01,437 --> 00:34:04,399 Can't wait. Cheers. 557 00:34:14,950 --> 00:34:16,411 That's a hell of a scar. 558 00:34:18,079 --> 00:34:19,539 Pervert. 559 00:34:21,332 --> 00:34:22,500 I like your tits, too. 560 00:34:25,253 --> 00:34:26,462 Baboon heart? 561 00:34:26,588 --> 00:34:28,923 Bacterial infection. Hmm. 562 00:34:30,091 --> 00:34:31,175 Endocarditis. 563 00:34:31,259 --> 00:34:34,303 What? Drug pusher/ heart surgeon? 564 00:34:34,429 --> 00:34:36,765 Just the former. 565 00:34:36,848 --> 00:34:39,601 It was pretty common among our top customers. 566 00:34:41,895 --> 00:34:43,104 You miss it? 567 00:34:43,187 --> 00:34:45,857 Holy shit. So much. 568 00:34:45,940 --> 00:34:49,736 More than good coffee, more than sleeping in the dark, 569 00:34:49,819 --> 00:34:51,112 more than wearing skirts. 570 00:34:51,237 --> 00:34:52,280 You wore skirts? 571 00:34:52,947 --> 00:34:54,657 Yeah. I loved a good skirt. 572 00:34:57,993 --> 00:34:59,120 You? 573 00:34:59,829 --> 00:35:01,247 I don't miss smack. 574 00:35:02,206 --> 00:35:04,417 I was such a lousy junkie. 575 00:35:04,500 --> 00:35:06,377 Never fully committed. 576 00:35:07,378 --> 00:35:08,838 But the business... 577 00:35:09,464 --> 00:35:11,299 Man, that I miss. 578 00:35:11,382 --> 00:35:14,135 The adrenaline, the power. 579 00:35:17,430 --> 00:35:20,224 Yeah, I miss cooking it. Which makes me an idiot, right? 580 00:35:21,267 --> 00:35:23,812 I'd let it bubble, even though you waste it when you do that. 581 00:35:23,895 --> 00:35:27,106 I just loved the chemistry, you know? The routine. 582 00:35:27,649 --> 00:35:29,692 I am a sucker for ritual. 583 00:35:30,151 --> 00:35:34,071 Look at us, Nichols. Same coin, different sides. 584 00:35:34,447 --> 00:35:36,449 Supply and demand, motherfucker. 585 00:36:01,182 --> 00:36:02,224 Hey, Alex. 586 00:36:12,902 --> 00:36:16,155 An inmate from Litchfield Federal Prison is attempting to contact you. 587 00:36:16,238 --> 00:36:18,700 To accept the call, please press one. 588 00:36:20,409 --> 00:36:23,454 Fine. You caught me on a hormonal upswing. 589 00:36:23,538 --> 00:36:26,541 Plus I need a distraction 'cause I'm in the stirrups. 590 00:36:26,666 --> 00:36:28,167 Am I a good friend or what? 591 00:36:28,250 --> 00:36:31,462 You are. You're the best friend. You are the best friend. 592 00:36:31,546 --> 00:36:33,548 You're my best friend. 593 00:36:33,673 --> 00:36:34,674 Oh! 594 00:36:35,216 --> 00:36:37,969 I'm so sorry, Pol. The chicken... 595 00:36:38,052 --> 00:36:41,222 How about we don't talk about the chicken, like, ever again? 596 00:36:41,305 --> 00:36:45,810 It's so weird in here, Polly. I wish I could explain it to you. 597 00:36:45,894 --> 00:36:48,604 Well, I have an asshole alien growing inside me 598 00:36:48,730 --> 00:36:51,774 and I'm waiting for a strange man to put his hand up my vagina, 599 00:36:51,900 --> 00:36:55,236 which I'm pretty sure I prefer to my husband's. 600 00:36:55,319 --> 00:36:57,030 We could have a weird-off. 601 00:36:57,112 --> 00:36:59,156 God, I miss you so much. 602 00:36:59,741 --> 00:37:01,242 I miss you, too, Pipe. 603 00:37:02,702 --> 00:37:06,039 So, Barney's. 604 00:37:06,121 --> 00:37:07,665 Nope. You've forfeited your right 605 00:37:07,749 --> 00:37:09,269 to talk about the business for a while. 606 00:37:09,291 --> 00:37:10,960 I'll take care of it from here on out. 607 00:37:11,085 --> 00:37:13,629 You're kidding me? So you're not gonna tell me what's going on? 608 00:37:13,755 --> 00:37:17,008 This is really important to me, Pol. We really need the money and... 609 00:37:17,091 --> 00:37:19,844 Babe, I know. I'll take care of it. 610 00:37:19,928 --> 00:37:24,098 Jesus, you're a felon, I'm fat and miserable. 611 00:37:24,223 --> 00:37:27,268 Who gives a fuck about soap right now? It'll all be fine. 612 00:37:28,519 --> 00:37:29,645 Will it? 613 00:37:29,771 --> 00:37:33,649 I have no fucking clue. Seemed like the right thing to say. 614 00:37:34,442 --> 00:37:36,903 How are things with you and super-cunt? 615 00:37:36,986 --> 00:37:39,948 Fine. Sort of. 616 00:37:42,909 --> 00:37:47,538 I don't know. I feel like I need to tell her that I'm sorry. 617 00:37:47,622 --> 00:37:52,126 I feel like I need to tell everyone that I'm sorry. 618 00:37:52,961 --> 00:37:56,171 Piper Chapman, The Apology Tour. 619 00:37:56,297 --> 00:37:57,590 You care about her? 620 00:37:57,673 --> 00:38:00,134 I mean, no. I just think that it would... 621 00:38:00,217 --> 00:38:01,578 Since we're stuck in here together, 622 00:38:01,636 --> 00:38:03,137 it would be easier if we were friends. 623 00:38:03,262 --> 00:38:06,099 If super-cunt replaces me as your best friend, so help me. 624 00:38:06,181 --> 00:38:07,725 Oh, never. 625 00:38:07,809 --> 00:38:10,394 Hey, if your mom's been telling me to rub cocoa butter on my tutu, 626 00:38:10,478 --> 00:38:11,813 what the fuck does she mean? 627 00:38:11,896 --> 00:38:13,940 Oh, Jesus. Oh... 628 00:38:14,023 --> 00:38:16,317 She used to call it that when I was little. 629 00:38:16,484 --> 00:38:17,652 A tutu? 630 00:38:18,027 --> 00:38:19,236 You heard that one before? 631 00:38:21,823 --> 00:38:22,991 My gynie loves it. 632 00:38:24,450 --> 00:38:25,994 And I love you. 633 00:38:28,997 --> 00:38:30,372 I love you. 634 00:38:33,876 --> 00:38:35,503 So you're done being mad at me? 635 00:38:35,628 --> 00:38:40,466 Yes. Now I've got to get probed. Have a nice rest of your day in prison. 636 00:38:40,549 --> 00:38:42,830 Have a nice time getting your tutu probed. 637 00:39:04,032 --> 00:39:06,868 Don't be yellow, vote for Morello. 638 00:39:06,993 --> 00:39:09,537 My friends, we may be incarcerated, 639 00:39:09,620 --> 00:39:13,290 but that does not mean we're not entitled to fair treatment 640 00:39:13,374 --> 00:39:16,919 and access to comprehensive medical care. 641 00:39:17,045 --> 00:39:18,379 Tuesdays, pizza? 642 00:39:18,504 --> 00:39:21,549 Fuck pizza, we're gonna have Tuesday tacos. 643 00:39:21,632 --> 00:39:24,802 Tacos, burritos, hot salsa and everything! This is stupid! 644 00:39:24,886 --> 00:39:27,680 Hi, ladies... I take care of business. I know what's up, all right? 645 00:39:27,763 --> 00:39:29,163 ...most of y'all know me as Tiffany. 646 00:39:29,182 --> 00:39:32,143 Only a few, Pennsatucky. We're gonna leave it that way. 647 00:39:32,226 --> 00:39:35,479 I hope each and every one of you will allow me to lead you, 648 00:39:35,563 --> 00:39:38,900 in addition to letting me do your weave at a discount! 649 00:39:38,983 --> 00:39:41,069 You all listen to me. I know what's up, all right? 650 00:39:41,152 --> 00:39:42,753 Come on, let's hear it up for the Latino! 651 00:39:45,406 --> 00:39:48,659 As lady president, I'll demand waterbeds for everybody. 652 00:39:48,743 --> 00:39:52,747 We'll be dreamin' like Beyonce on a yacht every night up in here. 653 00:39:52,830 --> 00:39:55,457 Comprehensive that, bitches! 654 00:39:57,793 --> 00:39:59,253 Yo. You got my shit? 655 00:40:02,215 --> 00:40:03,424 It's comin'. 656 00:40:04,926 --> 00:40:08,137 My cousin paid you for that shit. Ain't it supposed to come in today? 657 00:40:09,013 --> 00:40:10,347 Listen, powder. 658 00:40:11,057 --> 00:40:13,642 If you speak to me again, I will fucking crush you. 659 00:40:14,936 --> 00:40:17,813 It's coming. Chill out. 660 00:40:24,612 --> 00:40:26,864 Well, this is a surprise. 661 00:40:26,948 --> 00:40:28,868 Best entertainment you could hope for around here. 662 00:40:28,950 --> 00:40:30,952 Friday night, we're gonna have salsa night, okay? 663 00:40:31,077 --> 00:40:32,995 I can't live without my conga, okay? 664 00:40:33,121 --> 00:40:36,290 As y'all know, I am a follower of Jesus Christ, 665 00:40:36,373 --> 00:40:37,708 my Lord and my Savior. 666 00:40:39,961 --> 00:40:45,382 And he wants us to spread his word. With force, if necessary. 667 00:40:45,466 --> 00:40:49,011 You know, I'm surprised the Admin is actually letting this happen. 668 00:40:49,137 --> 00:40:51,889 Those boys have awfully short memories. 669 00:40:53,849 --> 00:40:57,145 White girl who won last time got slocked 670 00:40:57,228 --> 00:41:02,775 when she asked the commissary to stock unsalted potato chips instead of salt and vinegar. 671 00:41:03,484 --> 00:41:05,194 It's not a job you want. 672 00:41:05,319 --> 00:41:07,822 Furthermuch, why don't we have Ultra Sheen 673 00:41:07,989 --> 00:41:09,157 in the commissary? Why? 674 00:41:09,240 --> 00:41:10,616 You ask me, that shit is racist! 675 00:41:10,699 --> 00:41:12,827 Fucking racist. Why you gotta hate black folks? Why? 676 00:41:12,910 --> 00:41:15,621 You do have to admire their effort. 677 00:41:16,455 --> 00:41:19,333 Every damn inmate is here. 678 00:41:23,671 --> 00:41:25,298 I'll see you later. 679 00:41:26,381 --> 00:41:30,011 In closing, let's get some motherfucking fried chicken up in here once in a while! 680 00:41:30,094 --> 00:41:31,512 Oh, yeah! Yeah, I said it. 681 00:41:31,595 --> 00:41:32,596 She said it. I'm black. 682 00:41:32,680 --> 00:41:33,806 She's black. And she black. 683 00:41:33,889 --> 00:41:35,289 I'm black! And we like fried chicken. 684 00:41:35,349 --> 00:41:37,434 Well! That shit is delicious. 685 00:41:37,518 --> 00:41:42,023 Everybody likes it. Chicken for the people. I rest my case. 686 00:41:44,566 --> 00:41:48,779 Well, I say we should have a "whites only" bathroom! 687 00:41:50,531 --> 00:41:53,117 This ain't The fuckin' Help, bitch, 688 00:41:53,201 --> 00:41:55,036 but you will eat my shit. 689 00:42:54,636 --> 00:42:55,637 Oh! 690 00:42:56,931 --> 00:43:01,518 ♪ They call me Taystee 'cause my pussy be delicious 691 00:43:01,602 --> 00:43:03,020 ♪ Like an apple it's nutritious 692 00:43:03,104 --> 00:43:04,646 ♪ Like a Clinton it's ambitious 693 00:43:04,772 --> 00:43:07,775 ♪ You wanna mess with all that? Bitch, please 694 00:43:07,858 --> 00:43:10,611 ♪ You's a gnat, you'll go splat Best be runnin', stat ♪ 695 00:43:16,117 --> 00:43:17,201 Yeah? Well. Yo, yo... 696 00:43:17,285 --> 00:43:19,870 ♪ My name is Leanne and I got game 697 00:43:19,954 --> 00:43:22,456 ♪ We're here in Litchfield and it's kind of lame 698 00:43:22,581 --> 00:43:25,418 ♪ This rapping thing don't seem so hard 699 00:43:25,500 --> 00:43:27,669 ♪ Ain't like I'm a fucking retard! ♪ 700 00:43:36,095 --> 00:43:38,973 ♪ Fucking dumbass cracka Should just smack ya 701 00:43:39,056 --> 00:43:42,184 ♪ Think you own Jesus? Turns out he was black 702 00:43:42,310 --> 00:43:44,895 ♪ The word is ironic Me? I'm deep like Atlantis 703 00:43:44,979 --> 00:43:47,731 ♪ Rhyming some chronic shit then pray like a mantis 704 00:43:47,815 --> 00:43:50,443 ♪ Matter of fact I'm so done with your white trash ass 705 00:43:50,525 --> 00:43:53,654 ♪ Just 'cause you got little tits don't mean you got class ♪ 706 00:43:55,739 --> 00:43:56,740 That's my shit! 707 00:44:09,378 --> 00:44:10,504 Hey. 708 00:44:11,255 --> 00:44:12,965 This is crazy... Shh... 709 00:44:14,008 --> 00:44:15,843 Go away. 710 00:44:17,678 --> 00:44:18,846 Sorry. 711 00:44:57,051 --> 00:44:59,053 Who wants a piece of Big Boo? 712 00:45:48,852 --> 00:45:51,564 Are we supposed to lie down, Mr. Healy? 713 00:45:59,780 --> 00:46:01,449 Hey. Hi. 714 00:46:01,532 --> 00:46:02,783 Hey. 715 00:46:02,866 --> 00:46:04,076 How are you? 716 00:46:05,035 --> 00:46:06,120 Good. 717 00:46:06,203 --> 00:46:08,539 I made you this. 718 00:46:17,172 --> 00:46:20,259 Wow. Thanks. 719 00:46:24,555 --> 00:46:27,308 When I was little, I found this comic book in the trash. 720 00:46:28,350 --> 00:46:31,228 I'd never seen girls who looked like that. 721 00:46:31,728 --> 00:46:35,357 They were like Disney princesses, but prettier. 722 00:46:35,690 --> 00:46:38,235 I liked tracing the drawings a lot. 723 00:46:38,319 --> 00:46:40,154 My friends thought that they were lame, 724 00:46:41,905 --> 00:46:44,116 but I liked that they were different. 725 00:46:44,950 --> 00:46:47,995 They weren't like the Sunday comics, you know? 726 00:46:48,661 --> 00:46:51,165 I guess I'm a freak, or whatever. 727 00:46:51,248 --> 00:46:53,834 Not that you're a freak because of your legs. 728 00:46:53,959 --> 00:46:55,336 Leg. 729 00:47:01,425 --> 00:47:05,012 I didn't mean that. I'm sorry. 730 00:47:10,851 --> 00:47:12,019 Does it hurt? 731 00:47:14,021 --> 00:47:18,567 Not anymore. Just a little clumsy sometimes. 732 00:47:18,817 --> 00:47:21,362 Me, too. Sometimes. 733 00:47:31,163 --> 00:47:33,243 Thanks for the advice yesterday. I think she loved it. 734 00:47:41,215 --> 00:47:42,508 You got enough money? 735 00:47:43,050 --> 00:47:45,636 Yes, transfer came through yesterday. 736 00:47:47,762 --> 00:47:49,931 And Daya, she need anything? 737 00:47:50,057 --> 00:47:51,392 She's fine. 738 00:47:52,518 --> 00:47:54,769 Then why isn't she here to say hello? 739 00:47:56,855 --> 00:47:59,358 You better not be fighting again. She needs her mother. 740 00:47:59,816 --> 00:48:02,570 Wait a minute, both of you are here to visit me? 741 00:48:02,819 --> 00:48:05,322 Sure don't seem like it, 742 00:48:05,406 --> 00:48:06,739 the way you're talking. 743 00:48:07,324 --> 00:48:09,201 Daya. Daya! 744 00:48:09,577 --> 00:48:10,578 Aren't you my woman? 745 00:48:12,413 --> 00:48:15,332 You acting like a jealous bitch. 746 00:48:16,833 --> 00:48:19,587 Shit's not flattering, is it? 747 00:48:23,798 --> 00:48:24,925 It went well. 748 00:48:25,008 --> 00:48:27,760 Yeah. I mean, it... You know. It was great. 749 00:48:28,095 --> 00:48:29,638 Wow! He liked it? 750 00:48:29,762 --> 00:48:32,099 You seem surprised. Edging? 751 00:48:32,182 --> 00:48:34,903 Edging? Babe, it's a really... It's a very weird thing to write about. 752 00:48:35,269 --> 00:48:36,853 Weird, very weird. 753 00:48:37,688 --> 00:48:41,816 Actually, he, um, wants me to write another article. 754 00:48:43,736 --> 00:48:44,819 Really? 755 00:48:44,945 --> 00:48:46,905 Yeah, he thought, um... 756 00:48:46,988 --> 00:48:50,200 He thought I should write about you. About our experience. 757 00:48:52,453 --> 00:48:54,288 Our experience? 758 00:48:58,459 --> 00:48:59,460 Huh! 759 00:49:00,793 --> 00:49:02,921 Has it been difficult for you in here? 760 00:49:03,004 --> 00:49:05,466 You know, you're not the only person having a hard time, Piper. 761 00:49:05,633 --> 00:49:07,468 I hate your stern voice. 762 00:49:13,056 --> 00:49:16,310 I'm sorry. I don't mean to take this out on you. 763 00:49:16,393 --> 00:49:18,019 But I... 764 00:49:18,145 --> 00:49:20,439 Could you just give me a little bit of time 765 00:49:20,522 --> 00:49:24,443 to figure out how I feel about you writing an article about me being in here? 766 00:49:24,526 --> 00:49:26,987 Of course. You need to 767 00:49:27,529 --> 00:49:28,614 process. 768 00:49:28,697 --> 00:49:32,242 I should respect that. Take some time. 769 00:49:32,326 --> 00:49:36,789 I'm just not sure if I'm ready to be Piper Chapman, the convict fiancee. 770 00:49:36,871 --> 00:49:41,168 But as soon as you write an article, it will all be so, um... 771 00:49:43,462 --> 00:49:44,463 Public. 772 00:49:44,546 --> 00:49:45,798 I hear ya. 773 00:49:47,048 --> 00:49:48,258 I hear ya. 774 00:49:51,178 --> 00:49:53,846 So, is everything going okay with Alex? 775 00:49:54,348 --> 00:49:56,767 Yeah, it's fine. It's good. We don't talk. 776 00:49:58,018 --> 00:49:59,144 Good. 777 00:50:00,187 --> 00:50:01,438 That's good. 778 00:50:03,524 --> 00:50:05,651 Diablo! 779 00:50:06,985 --> 00:50:08,903 Diablo? What? 780 00:50:09,446 --> 00:50:11,281 That lady, that crazy lady. 781 00:50:11,365 --> 00:50:13,826 I found her phone in the bathroom, 782 00:50:13,908 --> 00:50:15,243 and there was a picture of her... 783 00:50:16,036 --> 00:50:19,331 And Healy had it printed out on his desk, and the... 784 00:50:20,040 --> 00:50:21,200 Never mind. It's a long story. 785 00:50:21,208 --> 00:50:23,043 Anyway, everybody thinks that she's crazy 786 00:50:23,126 --> 00:50:25,212 and that she's talking to herself in there, 787 00:50:25,295 --> 00:50:26,879 but she's not! 788 00:50:27,005 --> 00:50:29,717 She's talking on the phone. To Diablo! 789 00:50:29,800 --> 00:50:31,884 She's been sending him pictures of her tutu. 790 00:50:32,010 --> 00:50:33,261 Whoa! 791 00:50:34,555 --> 00:50:36,724 That's kind of brilliant. 792 00:50:38,559 --> 00:50:40,394 Wait a second. Mmm-hmm. 793 00:50:43,355 --> 00:50:45,148 If you know where her phone is, 794 00:50:46,734 --> 00:50:48,736 can you send me pictures of your tutu? 795 00:50:49,152 --> 00:50:50,320 Ew! 796 00:50:51,697 --> 00:50:53,365 All right. 797 00:50:53,906 --> 00:50:58,911 Thirty-one for Maritza, 16 for Sophia Burset, 798 00:50:59,037 --> 00:51:03,208 41 for Taystee, 46 for Lorna Morello, 799 00:51:03,291 --> 00:51:05,836 24 for Tiffany, 800 00:51:05,918 --> 00:51:08,756 19 for "Fuck you." 801 00:51:08,839 --> 00:51:12,593 An impressive 28 for Jesus. 802 00:51:13,677 --> 00:51:17,806 You still can't tell the fish kissers who's boss, can you, Samantha? 803 00:51:17,930 --> 00:51:20,933 I've asked you repeatedly not to call me that. 804 00:51:22,102 --> 00:51:24,937 This isn't about giving them power. 805 00:51:25,021 --> 00:51:30,193 This is about your mother telling you, you could take a bath before dinner or after. 806 00:51:30,569 --> 00:51:32,945 You were still gonna get wet, 807 00:51:33,071 --> 00:51:35,323 but you thought you had a choice. 808 00:51:36,283 --> 00:51:39,119 I have no fuckin' idea what that means, 809 00:51:39,244 --> 00:51:43,624 but I do know you just basically built a prisoners' union. 810 00:51:46,752 --> 00:51:47,878 Samantha. 811 00:52:04,060 --> 00:52:07,606 Attention. All maple syrup is now considered contraband 812 00:52:07,689 --> 00:52:09,441 after last week's incident. 813 00:52:10,317 --> 00:52:14,738 The winners of the WAC elections will be announced shortly. Thank you. 814 00:52:15,781 --> 00:52:18,533 Enjoy dinner! Hope it's scrumptious! 815 00:52:19,075 --> 00:52:20,535 I'm real nervous. 816 00:52:20,869 --> 00:52:25,582 I thought the whole idea of Red endorsing you is that you're going to win. 817 00:52:25,749 --> 00:52:28,669 It is. She's just playing coy. It's a talent of hers. 818 00:52:28,752 --> 00:52:31,379 I made Claudette's famous coconut cake 819 00:52:31,505 --> 00:52:35,676 in honor of our new WAC representative. 820 00:52:40,347 --> 00:52:42,014 Should coconut be beige? 821 00:52:44,309 --> 00:52:45,268 Fine. 822 00:52:45,352 --> 00:52:48,146 No cake for you, little girl, big mouth. 823 00:52:55,696 --> 00:52:57,489 Tough love, I guess, huh? 824 00:52:57,572 --> 00:53:00,200 Jesus. I don't know how you deal with her. 825 00:53:02,661 --> 00:53:04,705 Norma's gonna get you some mouthwash. 826 00:53:04,830 --> 00:53:08,291 A clean mouth makes you feel better. 827 00:53:08,375 --> 00:53:10,377 Here. 828 00:53:17,049 --> 00:53:21,555 You gotta hit rock bottom before you know which direction to go in. 829 00:53:21,889 --> 00:53:23,306 Welcome to the floor, kid. 830 00:53:24,683 --> 00:53:27,185 It'll be better from now on. 831 00:53:29,312 --> 00:53:31,606 And what I'll do to you if you use again 832 00:53:31,732 --> 00:53:34,484 will hurt a lot more than this. 833 00:53:34,568 --> 00:53:36,695 Remember what I'm saying. 834 00:53:43,035 --> 00:53:45,495 Ladies, attention, please. 835 00:53:47,079 --> 00:53:48,749 How's my hair? 836 00:53:51,043 --> 00:53:52,419 You look great, kid. 837 00:53:53,879 --> 00:53:56,924 Don't worry. You're gonna be great. 838 00:53:58,466 --> 00:54:02,012 Your elected WAC leaders are... 839 00:54:02,429 --> 00:54:04,096 Ruiz... 840 00:54:06,808 --> 00:54:08,393 Which Ruiz? 841 00:54:08,476 --> 00:54:10,144 Maria Ruiz... 842 00:54:11,479 --> 00:54:12,731 Oh, shit! What the fuck? 843 00:54:12,981 --> 00:54:14,190 What the fuck? 844 00:54:14,274 --> 00:54:16,610 Jefferson... 845 00:54:16,735 --> 00:54:20,989 Ooh! Taystee is prison president, bitches! 846 00:54:27,746 --> 00:54:33,251 Chang, who will be representing both the others and the golden girls, 847 00:54:33,877 --> 00:54:34,920 and... 848 00:54:39,633 --> 00:54:41,093 Chapman. 849 00:54:52,687 --> 00:54:54,397 But you didn't even run! 850 00:55:07,243 --> 00:55:17,709 Sync and corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com